am i doing enough?

if control is fake, then why do I want it so badly?​

 

 

lyrics from: "Go Gina," "Prom," "20 Something"

​

​

​

 

 

 

​

​

​

As with every "fan-page," part of me hopes SZA sees this, and part of me also doesn't. It's not that I don't want her to read my stories and empathize with me. It's more that I just don't want her to think I'm creepy for having like a bajillion essays about her.

​

I wonder if artists ever think about the impact they have on their audience. I'm sure SZA does. But, I doubt she'll ever think about what I specifically mean to her. What my stories specifically mean to her. 

​

I talk throughout this entire website about how I am uncomfortable with the fact that I attribute Ctrl to my identity and the struggles that I face. But, I also fear that I never really addressed that discomfort sufficiently. 

​

"Am I doing enough?
Feel like I'm wasting time"

​

Is it fair for me to insert myself into SZA's experiences without her knowledge? That still makes me uncomfortable. And, I try to address it in these essays. But, I think about how she would react. I hope she would be proud that her music touched someone. Made them want to be a more human person. I don't know. She's releasing a new album tomorrow (!!!!!!), so I'm sure she has a lot on her plate. 

​

"Promise to get a little

Better as I get older"

​

It wouldn't be authentic to me to not share these stories, share these connections, but also share my complete and utter discomfort. I would never claim that my essays won't have an impact. Won't have consequences. But, part of me believes that SZA knew the risks of her music too. She knew the intimate feelings she was sharing, the impact it would have on the people it was about. Or, maybe that's just me. 

​

In my Intergroup Relations course, we recently discussed the importance of accountability. My definition mirrored that of many of my classmates: taking responsibility for your actions, making amends, and putting in a realistic plan to do better. But, as we know, definitions don't always translate perfectly into reality. And, these words are often a little too inauthentic to me when trying to recognize the impact of my actions.

​

We're all going to hurt each other at some point. We're all going to make mistakes. We're all a part of these systems that perpetuate inequality and cultivate an environment predicated on competitiveness and superiority. People innately want to win and to be the most liked.

 

But, we need to start putting compassion and empathy first. I need to start doing that more. I guess, starting with myself? Practice active listening and love. I'm starting to force myself to sit with discomfort a little more. Explore why I'm feeling the way that I do. What systems socialized me to have certain experiences that, when reflecting on them, make me uncomfortable? How can I dismantle them? How can I really fuck them up?!

​

"To be real is, to be real is (to come clean is, to come clean)

Probably true what they say about me"

 

I avoid previous behaviors I used to feel an immediate gratification of control. I don't make myself throw up anymore. I'll take what I can get. But, with more time, I hope that the discomfort begins to settle. That I feel pride I worked through the thickness. The complex layers. To ultimately become a better, more responsible person.

​

 

​

 

It’s always easier to fit into definitions. Especially in a society that categorizes everything before we're even born. Especially as someone with anxiety who seeks answers to uncertainty. Especially as someone with ADHD who seeks some semblance of calm. Silence.

 

But, that’s just not the reality. And, I can continue grasping onto fantastical straws of inaccurate language. Or, I can be inspired by SZA and discover a new way of embracing this in-between. Perhaps everything, and specifically control, is an illusion as SZA posits. Then, is everything just a figment of collective societal imagination? I guess it doesn’t matter. Because these emotions and complex ideas are still here. And I still yearn to find where I lie. 

 

The rest of my life will likely be a sea of gray. And it’s how I decide to swim through it that makes the difference; the people I connect with, the challenges I face, and the continued fight against pressure to conform to labels and words that just don’t do me justice.

​

And, there were unhealthy ways I tried to grasp control, or at least manage with the lack of it. But, how can I lose something, if as SZA says, "Control is not real"?

​

I think I'm starting to learn that control is something I won't understand. Not that it doesn't exist, but that it's going to be something I temporarily have available to me. But, I don't really have control, per se. Rather, I have an idea of control in that moment. Like when I listen to SZA's music, I understand complex emotions, like guilt, shame, and insecurity. That I don't know how to explain as well with the language I permanently have available. I hope there is one day I feel comfortable relinquishing all control. But, right now, I am still trying to understand how to accurately describe what control looks like for me. What feels good for me. Not just in the moment. But at my core. 

​

And, there are songs on Ctrl that I have recently rediscovered since partaking in this project. Three of them pertain to certain stressors in my life right now. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity have these stressors, but that does not minimize the feelings that feel far too similar to insecurity, guilt, and shame: what I am going to do with my life after college.

​

"Stuck in them 20 somethings, stuck in them 20 somethings"

​

How tough it is to try and process through a glass of a water that refracts your thoughts like light. That submerges your emotion beneath the surface-level scientific terms. It looks right and clear. Seems transparent. But, something is just a little off. You know? That's what understanding myself and my emotions feels like. 

​

The way that I can articulate these anxieties seems so superficial. But, they can be stripped to their core to find similarities in SZA's "Prom," "Go Gina," and "20 Something." These songs help validate my mindset while still reminding me to be grateful for the present. 

​

The first time I listened to "Prom" was when SZA first released her album in 2017. I never got sick of Ctrl, but some of the songs naturally fell to the back of my music library. With lower stream counts on Spotify, it makes sense that I would also not listen to her less popular songs, "Prom" and "Go Gina." I mean, I don't have that niche of music taste. But, then why did "20 Something" fall behind, when it's one of her highest-streamed, and most appreciated songs? Why did her far less popular songs, like "Pretty Little Birds" and "Anything" still make it to my most-listened-to songs of the year? I guess I'm not that basic.

 

But, the truth is, I'll never know why I appreciated some of her songs more than others in the past. But, I think it's interesting to see how they can attribute to my present-day life. How they can explain some of the current stressors I feel but can't quite articulate correctly.  I saw in an interview with GQ that Ctrl for SZA was a life's work. It's about the fantasy of control, and how wanting something that doesn't exist just leads to pain. I use this space to remind me of the empathy circulating. And, perhaps highlight a vernacular that allows others to process their emotions more clearly, more honestly, and more authentically. Like SZA does for me.

​

"And if it's an illusion, I don't want to wake up
I'm gonna hang on to it
Because the alternative is an abyss, is just a hole, a darkness, a nothingness
Who wants that? You know?
So that's what I think about control, and that's my story"

​

And, that's my story.