do-do you even know i'm alive?

why would I listen to a song called "Supermodel" to help understand my eating disorder? seems counterintuitive...

lyrics from: "Supermodel"

"That is my greatest fear

That if, if I lost control

Or did not have control

Things would just, you know

I would be fatal"

How can I attribute these lyrics to a reflection on my experiences surrounding my eating disorder and anxiety to SZA's song called "Supermodel"? The first group of lyrics about the fatality of losing control is a recording from SZA's grandmother. It seems that her advice was explicitly made for SZA, generating a sense of empathy that it is normal to reject a lack of control. Everybody experiences it. So, SZA including me in the experience of hearing this recording, allows the advice to apply to me as well. And it's not a matter of her speaking for me, but rather to me. SZA tells me that she's felt this way too. And, coming specifically from her, for some reason makes me feel better.

Appearance and food were never things I thought about. I ate whatever I wanted and was called the “good eater” of the family. We would make jokes about how much I could eat. I tried to go vegan once, and my mom told me it would be bad for my stomach.

Why did she let me watch Oprah with her and join in on her “diet” then (5 years old)? Why did she sit idly by as my dad help me set up a MyFitnessPal account while we were eating dinner then (12 years old)? Why did she tell me that she weighed 112 pounds when I weighed 120 pounds then (15 years old)? Weren’t those bad for my stomach?

I guess I did think about food and appearance, without even realizing. I know It’s not fair that I blame her. She has an eating disorder. She didn’t know better.

My best friend, Cameron was also really small. She never finished her meals. She was still in youth sizes in eighth grade. And, everyone loved her. Especially my parents, who thought she was so cute and well-behaved (unlike me).

I remember weighing myself after I threw up from a migraine (13 years old). I weighed 88 pounds and was so excited to be closer to Cameron's 64 pounds. I wore matching clothes to her and tried to limit the amount of green beans I ate. Maybe then, our matching pants wouldn’t pop on my stomach. I leaned back in pictures next to her so my stomach would appear flatter. I have taken two laxatives nightly since sixth grade, as prescribed by my doctor.

I think my overarching goal in life was always to be a well-liked person, and the way to do this was to be skinny.

"I could be your supermodel

If you believe

If you see it in me"

I always relied on others' categorizations of themselves in order to understand who I was. My friend Amanda went vegan sophomore year of high school and began to lose a lot of weight (2017). I asked my mom if I should talk to her.

I never talked to Amanda. Amanda told me three years after that she had severe anorexia, when I didn’t talk to her. I felt anger and self-disappointment slosh in my stomach. I’m still disappointed in myself. Not because I wasn’t there for Amanda. But, rather, because when I apologized, I didn’t tell her I went through the same thing.

I didn’t think she would believe that I could have an eating disorder too. I wasn’t skinny like her.

The college that was supposed to be the perfect fit for me was a rude awakening. I planned to work out every day, eat only salads in the dining hall, and misuse my ADHD medication to prevent eating as long as possible. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until senior year of high school. I wasn’t allowed to be. Which is weird, because I started therapy and anxiety medication at six years old.

I was excited that this medication was going to keep me skinny in college, but I never told anyone that. When I went to the psychiatrist for the first time before college, my mom reminded me to tell the psychiatrist that I didn’t want medication that was going to make me gain weight, because that would make me more anxious. This reinforced the anxiety that I had surrounding food. Each day of school, I would work out, eat nothing for as long as I could, and then binge at night. Some days, I never ate. I cried and would call her for advice on what to get for meals. I refused myself dairy and gluten. I just wanted to come home and have my mom affirm that I wasn’t fat.

Eating disorders can begin when the person affected feels out of control. That's what my therapist told me, at least. She said that I was putting all my energy into controlling what I ate, because I felt out of control in other aspects of my life. I told her that it made sense. But, what other aspects? And, why couldn't I just control those instead?

SZA was talking about her insecurity in a relationship. She wants to be her partner's "supermodel," or ideal woman. She wants to feel desired, or in a sense, in control in the relationship. By forming these connections through an imagined space in which SZA empathizes with me, I attribute these lyrics to my experiences. It's not me taking her vernacular necessarily. But, rather actively listening to SZA and allowing her words and melody to make sense of insecurity in my body and insecurity as the controller of my life.

Perhaps that's what makes SZA's album so successful. The fact that so many people can relate to her words and apply them to various scenarios. That's why I can feel the sentiment,

"I don't see myself

Why I can't stay alone just by myself?

Wish I was comfortable just with myself"

just as much as SZA can.

When I first watched SZA's "Supermodel" music video, it was during my hyperfixation-with-Ctrl phase. It opened up almost like a fairytale, and then I entered SZA's childhood bedroom. The most vulnerable of all places. During the song, SZA is talking to herself in the mirror with the lyrics. It seems like she's practicing what she would say to "him" if she could, as seen through her aggressive gesticulations. The amount of times that I have practiced confronting someone in the shower or the mirror is laughable. As a conflict-averse person, this scene felt so real.

During the video, this man that she's allegedly yelling at comes into her reflection and starts laughing at her. The mistreatment and anxiety that she experiences is visceral through the screen. And, I think that's why the lyrics are able to hit so hard. I can imagine, each time I listen to "Supermodel," SZA pointing her finger and speaking to all the people that have made me feel small. Or, a combined version of me and SZA where I can speak and get the message across, but with her emotion and passion. She makes me want to yell "fuck you" at the man laughing, because he represents this perpetuation of insecurity.

Then, we see in her "dreams" or this fairytale scene that she shoots the man and becomes a stereotypical supermodel (long legs, high heels, etc.) This gives almost a sense of closure to me. That SZA yelled "fuck you" in her own way. Gained control of her anxiety, but in her dreams. She's a work in progress just like the rest of us.

this isn't a suicide note, but the way i've understood suicidal thoughts can be explained through "Drew Barrymore."

lyrics from: "Drew Barrymore"

The first time I thought about killing myself was in middle school. I've never told anyone that. I always thought it was too selfish or too dramatic of me to feel that way. Anyways, I knew I would never go through with it; I faint at the sight of blood. I've contemplated suicide multiple times, but only up to a point. I contemplate who would miss me if I was gone, the difference I made for others, and all of the things I have yet to do. But, mostly I think about how it would affect others. I think contemplating suicide is a fucked up way for me to mentally validate that there are people who need me in their lives. Who like me so much that if I was no longer alive, they would grieve. I don't know why I look at suicide in such a cavalier way. I think it makes it easier for to grasp onto concepts, like "death" and "hopelessness."

"I get so lonely I forget what I'm worth...
I'm so ashamed of myself think I need therapy"

I've never felt like I was enough. Pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, kind enough. I am quick to criticize myself and often swim in whirlpools of self-doubt and insecurity. But, it's weird, because even as I write this, I feel a disconnect from the words about me and my real life experiences. Even though it's a truthful recall of what happened to me. Sometimes I don't believe myself. I didn't even believe I was capable of committing suicide. "Drew Barrymore" helps validate these feelings of insecurity. In a way that makes emotional sense to me.

"Am I

Warm enough for ya outside baby, yeah
(Tell me that it's warm enough here for ya)
Is it warm enough for ya inside me, me, me, me"

I don't care what people think of me, until they like me. And, once they make it clear that they like me, I will do everything in my power to prevent that from changing. It's almost embarrassing. I want to live up to their expectations of me. But, I am making up those expectations based on what I want to change about myself. I fear that I could never be "unconditionally loved." I'm too much a lot of the time. I hate that I feel this way.

I don't remember the last time I thought about killing myself. And, I truly feel the happiest I've felt in a while.

"Do you really love me?"

Through this back-and-forth of her lyrics and my confessions about really deep and traumatic emotions, I can see how my self-doubt mirrors SZA's. Not only in the sense of feeling inadequate for someone, but also in who we are as people. The lyrics of this song show SZA to be desperate, but not in a way that makes you cringe. It's almost like placing a soothing voice over these dark thoughts in my head, and in way that doesn't judge me for feeling them.

SZA received a lot of backlash after she started doing live performances for Ctrl. Fans claimed SZA was a bad singer, a poor performer, and not doing Ctrl justice. I literally forgot about this until recently. So, I decided to watch her Coachella performance of "Drew Barrymore" from 2018 online. And, yeah the fans weren't wrong. Her voice sounded bad and she kept running out of breath. But, it almost made her feel more real. Maybe it's because she's so drastically improved. Maybe it's because I choose to ignore these "fans," because I love Ctrl.

Or, maybe it's because we're both humans who never feel like we're enough. Who constantly fear that others will know we're not supposed to be where we are. So, maybe I chose to forget that SZA was "untalented," in the same way that I forget wanting to commit suicide.

We're all just trying our best to get better.

why can I take inspiration from "Broken Clocks" and "Anything" to help me express my heartbreak?

lyrics from: "Broken Clocks and "Anything"

Lacking the language is the hardest when you’re trying to get people to believe you. Because part of you can’t believe it yourself. Since the words just don’t do it justice. I’ve never told anyone I was in love with them. I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what it feels like to be in love, but the closest I’ve ever felt is with my old best friend Connor. Working through the emotions of this story was made possible through listening to and processing Ctrl. It seemed like SZA had the words to explain what was happening to me, that I did not. When no one else understood, she did, and I didn’t even have to tell her the story. I used various elements inspired by themes and ideas from "Broken Clocks" and "Anything" in order to curate a poem.

You said you made a wish for us, but you couldn’t tell me.

You would tell me “someday.”

Someday falls after the day you kissed her I assume.

I assume you were going to tell me.

But forgot.

So, when I asked you about it. And you said you didn’t want her anymore.

You wanted me.

It was easy to forget.

You were annoyingly sensitive.

When you pushed me down and laughed

Then went to help me up

I interlaced my fingers in your untrustworthy hands,

With my too-trustworthy hands

And pulled you down with me.

And laughed.

You got mad at me that I pushed you down.

Told people I was starting to annoy you.

I was too clingy.

Is that why you pushed me down?

Is that why you push me away?

Why do you push me away?

I stopped talking to you. I was being annoying, I heard.

I wanted to give you your space.

I’m not clingy. I’m not what you say I am.

You stretched out your hand.

You told me you missed me yesterday. When I didn’t talk to you.

My heart glowed.

You told me I was too good for you.

That if we were anywhere else I wouldn’t want you.

I was too good for you.

But you made me feel never enough.

I needed to go anywhere else.

I craved your validation.

Fearing

Constantly that you would flip the switch.

Turn on the lights and shut us off.

Push me down again

You just invited me over.

You told me you missed me all day.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t go back to you after this

And I kept my word.

My word...

...Sat heavy at the base of my throat.

When you grabbed my waist and told me you still had a crush on me.

I told you to figure your shit out.

...Dripped like acid through my veins.

When you looked deep into my soul and told me that I was the best part of your day.

My heart glowed.

When you told me that you were in love with me.

Do you think you showed me love?

I don’t think I’ve ever been in love.

And, if you were in love with me,

Then I hope I never fall in love.

But it’s too easy to fall when people push you down.

Although this poem is not quite up to par with the lyrical ingenious that is SZA’s Ctrl, taking inspiration from the ideas presented in "Broken Clocks," I was able to work through these emotions. Aside from the fact that this music video was filmed at a summer camp, there are a few stanzas that perfectly described the emotions I was experiencing at the time:

“Think I've forgot, you love me

You love me

You love me”

The “forgetfulness” that SZA has about her partner and love, is actually better described as a lack of security in the relationship. But, the way in which she sings that, allows me to understand that she wants the validation from her partner that they still love her. The repetition of the phrase “you love me” shows her self-doubt and need for reassurance. These are two elements that I related to with Connor: feeling insecure in our relationship, which resulted in me continuously wanting him to validate that he still liked me. And, I think that extends even beyond Connor to all relationships.

When Connor told me that he wanted to take a break the day after he told me he wanted to be with me, I didn't eat the rest of the day. I couldn't look at food. I couldn't look at myself, because each time I did, the person in the mirror wasn't me. She was some figment-version of me that had soulless eyes, an emaciated personality, and an exhausted heart.

SZA uses this song seemingly as a way to remind herself that “I don't wanna, don't need nobody.” In the same way, I have gone through my head multiple times that I didn’t need Connor. I didn’t need his love to make me feel loved. His love was circumstantial and strategically withheld. And I craved every last artificial drop.

In addition to the themes of anxiety and love from "Broken Clocks," I also used "Anything" to help validate my feelings about Connor, even when I hated that I had them. Even when I felt that cinderblock at the base of my stomach, whenever I thought about how he treated me. In this song, I see SZA’s back-and-forth feelings about herself and a man. She first questions whether it is her who needs to change, suggesting that she needs to pray harder and “work a little smarter.” I relate to that feeling of never being good enough; of constantly reflecting on how I can better myself for others. It's tiring having to reflect with such a critical eye.

It seems almost as if SZA is empathizing with me when she repeatedly whispers “I hope you will,” to her suggestion that her man takes her “anywhere.” She craves feeling chosen, and having her feelings validated. But, the whispering makes it have a sense of shame, suggesting she’s embarrassed that she hopes he will take her anywhere. And, boy can I relate! In her catchy, scat-reminiscient,

“Do-do you even know I'm alive?

Do-do you even know I, I”

SZA repeats this stanza often in the song. It seems like she runs out of words, suggesting that she is embarrassed to ask the question again. But, these ruminating, cyclical questions are horrible to deal with when you have anxiety, like SZA and myself. At the end of the song, there are deep beats and echoes over the repeated phrase, which is a very cathartic experience for me. These rhetorical questions invite me to reflect on my own insecurities and experiences. She allows me to process my emotions about Connor, and feel them viscerally. So, perhaps it’s not just her vernacular that I am identifying with, but rather the beauty in the emotion of the vernacular.

i need, i need